The local Amnesty International meeting starts in an hour. I haven't been to one yet....and it doesn't look like I'm going in an hour either. Why not? Hell if I know. I guess I'm scared. Scared of meeting new people, scared I'm going to say or do something stupid, scared of leaving my house. And I know I'm going to regret it. (I already do) Why can't I do this? Why is it so hard for me to just get myself together and go?
Oh, but I will just sit here and make up excuses (for who, I'm not sure). But the guilt and feeling stupid will last all night. The next meeting isn't for another month....and I tell myself I will definitely go to that one.....kinda like I said I would definitely go to this one. This is bad. I haven't so much as stepped out my front door in five days. The only person I have had any contact with is an hour-long phone call with my mom. I am far too comfortable being alone.....this hermit-ness cannot in any way be healthy.
And doesn't stop with staying home from social functions. Oh, but I wish it did. I also tend to avoid phone calls. Unless I am expecting a call, I often let people just go to voicemail (to all my friends....it's not you, it's me!) I hate being caught off guard (it's when I tend to make my stupidest social gaffes). Of course, I hate talking on the phone anyway. I'm not good at it at all. I'm a very visual person....so when I'm talking to someone, I like to see facial expressions and body language. When I'm on the phone, I do a whole lot more of the babbling-to-fill-the-silence. It ain't pretty.
Ok, I need to stop thinking about this. It's too late to do anything now, so I just have to take a deep breath and tell myself that tomorrow is a brand new day and that I WILL get better at this. I really, really will.....
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